Monday, March 9, 2009

Robot Monster

     Wow, what a piece of doggy doo. This movie is a great example of a movie that is "so bad, it's still NOT good". So bad in fact, that it makes the worst of Ed Wood's films look positively top-drawer.  

     Released in 1953, this movie has all the hallmarks of a 50's sci-fi drama. It's filled with Christian overtones and riddled with scenes that are so blatantly sexist, that you can't help but laugh to yourself, and at the same time feel truly sorry for the unfortunate women who had to deal with this astonishingly huge amount of sexism during these challenging times in American cinema. 

      Anyway, little Johnny Pipsqueak gets zapped by a falling star while picnicking with his family in what looks like a barren desert wasteland (probably some small corner of California). Soon, there is a guy in a cheap gorilla costume, complete with a zipper running up the back, and wearing a diving helmet with TV antennae on it, named Ro-Man. Often, just pronounced like "Roman". Can you feel the preaching yet? Ro-Man has conquered all mankind. All of course, except this desert-dwelling Brady Bunch knockoff who is hiding out in some adobe shanty just outside Ro-man's cave headquarters. 

      Ro-Man often reports to a TV screen boss who constantly bitches at him for not doing his job in completely wiping out the human race. NASA, FBI, CIA, KGB, and all the rest of the world were apparently conquered with ease, but the "Preachy Partridge Family" somehow stops him dead in his tracks, mostly because they're a loving family unit, which gets Ro-Man all soft-hearted. Which makes you wonder what happened to the rest of the world? Was Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, and Marilyn Monroe not enough to soften him up a little? (They were all alive when this movie came out) 

     Amidst Ro-Mans destruction, a couple gets married, walks off into the desert on their honeymoon, and makes out in a ditch. Ro-Man kills the husband and kidnaps the wife. Ro-Man even starts putting the moves on her himself (really?) Truly, if I listed all the totally sexist remarks in this movie, I'd be at this damn keyboard for days. The goofs in this movie are the only things rivaling the blatant sexism. There's even a scene where Ro-Man goes to tie the girl up, can't do it, gives up, and the "actor" throws the rope down in frustration. Literally, two frames later, she's all trussed up with a perfect rope job, complete with a square knot. Then we see a rocket that already looks like a cheap plastic toy with a sparkler shoved up its tailpipe, with its "special effects" secret being revealed when a flash goes off and you can actually see a guy dressed in all-black holding the rocket and moving it around a bit to make it look like it's flying. And for some reason, we sometimes see dinosaurs attacking each other, which literally makes no sense since this is supposed to be the future. Some are claymation stock footage, and others are just alligators or armadillos with dinosaur-looking fins and attachments glued onto them. What this has to do with the story, is anyone's guess. 

      Another funny tidbit about this film is that it actually has an intermission... on a movie that's literally only an hour long! I'm assuming that it's there merely to give someone the chance to leave and spare themselves from wasting another minute of their lives on this piece of shit, or to spend a whole five minutes making out at the drive-in. Although after watching a movie this steeped in Christian overtones, making out with a date would almost seem downright blasphemous. If you really want to laugh at a cheaper-than-cheap 50's sci-fi period piece, this film's for you. It's not even a B-movie, it's at least a C or D, all the way.  It claims to have been released in 3-D, but I've yet to find a copy in color, so I'm not sure how that would work.

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