Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Beyond the Darkness

     This is another one of those little Italian horror flicks that director Joe D'Amato came out with that were very cheap to make, are extremely hard to find these days, and were categorized as what was considered a "video nasty". Video Nasties were usually films that could not be rated (if so, they would have probably gotten an X rating which would have given them an incredibly limited release).  They were usually pretty gory, contained sexual situations, or were just plainly too weird for consumption by the general population. For the most part, his films had very good plots that were just poorly executed with bad acting, not enough action, boring dialogue (made all the worse by the terrible English voice dubbing), and surprisingly not enough gore. Thankfully, Buried Alive was re-released on DVD a few years ago under the new title "Beyond the Darkness", (which makes it a little easier to acquire, but harder to identify due to the title and original cover art being changed). I've seen the VHS version and I can say for certain that the DVD release has acquired a lot more footage that wasn't on the VHS version. These extras made this film ten times better because when someone removes the parts they thought were inappropriate, then you're not getting the full story or the cinematic impact the movie was intended to provide. Apparently, several minutes of gore and sexual footage were removed and then thankfully replaced for the DVD version. 

      Well worth seeking out, now on with the story. Frank is a weird little guy whose hobby is taxidermy, and whose parents have recently died, leaving only a housekeeper named Iris who is madly in love with Frank. Iris is extremely jealous of Franks's girlfriend Anna, so she has a Voodoo priestess stick some pins in a doll and kill Anna with a curse so that she can have Frank all to herself. Anna dies, and Frank is deeply grieving and only has Iris to comfort him. He decides that this is not enough for him (did I mention that Iris looks like a horse?) so after the funeral, he digs up Anna, with the intention of using his taxidermy skills to keep her near (and not smelling too bad). 

      Unbeknownst to Frank, Anna's twin sister Elena has arrived in town to pay her respects (obviously played by the same actress). On the way home from the cemetery with Anna's body in the back seat, Frank picks up a pothead hitchhiker. The female hitchhiker gets really stoned and takes a nap in his truck. Frank brings Anna's body into his "house of horrors" taxidermy studio and proceeds with prepping her for the keep. First, he pulls out all her guts (deliciously disgusting) and replaces her eyes with glass replicas. He kisses her, tongues her, and when he can't hold his passions back anymore he pulls her heart out and eats it (yum, that formaldehyde goodness). The pothead hitchhiker comes out of her stupor long enough to catch Frank embalming his girlfriend. She runs, he chases her, she trips over a bucket of guts, he holds her down and proceeds to pull off her fingernails one by one with a set of pliers, then strangles her. Being the ever-dutiful keeper of pretty much everything, Iris helps him hack up the body and dissolve it in a bathtub full of acid. Frank puts Anna's body in bed and leaves her there. With the fake eyes, Anna looks like she has drunk about 17 pots of coffee, so lying in bed looks even more ridiculous. 

      Bored one day, Frank goes jogging and befriends a young female jogger who has just sprained her ankle. He convinces her to come back to his place where he can tend to her ankle. She comes onto him and he has sex with her in the same bed that Anna is still lying in. Eventually, the smell reaches her, she discovers the body and freaks out. She doesn't get far before Frank catches up with her and bites a chunk of flesh out of her neck. While she lays there dying, Frank really enjoys chewing on the hunk of her neck while watching the female jogger slowly die. Dutiful Iris again helps Frank dispose of the body in the incinerator. Why they didn't do that with the hitchhiker is beyond me, it just seems that an incinerator would be much less messy than a tub of dissolved guts would be, but I digress. 

      For some reason Frank allows Iris to convince him that marrying her is the way to go. He must have at least some interest because he sure sucks on her breasts a lot, like some mentally challenged adult seeking the comfort that a pacifier provides for an infant. Some detective comes snooping around with questions about Anna's grave being desecrated. Iris comes out from under her hangover from the previous night's wedding festivities and finds the detective looking around, so she stashes Anna in the closet. The detective eventually opens the closet, Anna's body falls out, and for some reason, the detective doesn't look very surprised and whips out his camera to take pictures of Anna's corpse.  

     Meanwhile, Anna's sister Elena shows up at Frank's house because she knows that he was Anna's boyfriend. Elena hears her sister's voice and the lights go out (either it's Anna's ghost calling or it's Iris throwing her voice to trap the sister. I'm not sure which). Elena sees her sister sitting in a chair, so she goes over to her and Iris comes out of the darkness with a knife and intentions of killing Elena. Frank sees Iris about to stab Elena and attacks her, Iris stabs him instead, but he grabs the knife and kills her. The detective returns and sees that Iris is dead, he goes to the basement and catches Frank burning something in the incinerator. The detective shoots and kills Frank when he sees that there are human body parts in the incinerator. He also sees a body on the table. Since they are twins, we don't know which sister was cremated but we are led to believe that it was Elena, probably to get rid of her body in the same manner as all the other victims. 

      The movie ends at the mortuary when a coffin is about to be nailed shut and Elena pops out alive. Apparently Frank had cremated Anna instead. I guess now that Elena (a live version of Anna) has come along, he decided that he no longer needed Anna's corpse. Of course, no one knows this but Frank who is now dead, leaving poor Elena to almost be buried alive (hence the title). Sounds fascinating, doesn't it? For some reason, it's not. You have to watch it a couple of times to be able to completely understand what has happened, but very few people have enough patience to do that. Once you finally get it though, it really isn't so bad.  I can see why it was considered a video nasty, but I've definitely seen much worse.  

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Rabid Grannies

     Two eccentric old aunts are having a birthday party. All the party guests are family members that are just after the two old bat's money and intend to use the birthday party to both make themselves look better as well as make each other look as bad as possible. The oddball family ensemble consists of a bumbling cowardly priest, a married couple with obnoxious kids, a fat cousin with a very young stripper wife, a female cousin with her lesbian girlfriend, a horny dipstick in a Trans Am, and a frigid old cousin that is so conservative she makes Mother Theresa look like a $2 whore. 

      As the aunts start receiving their birthday gifts, a knock at the door sounds like the arrival of someone else. The cook's helper answers the door and there stands a gothic-looking grandma with a gift sent by the black sheep of the family, a nephew that was banned from the family and written out of the will for becoming the leader of a Satanic cult. Through the note on the gift he shmoozes the aunts by saying that he wants forgiveness, he knows his presence is not wanted but still desires to give them a unique gift for their birthday. They open the package which contains a pretty box. Thinking that it's a lovely gift, they open it and some demons come out and possess the aunts, who then begin attacking all the members of the family and most of the relatives are killed off in various comical ways. Eventually, the frigid cousin and the lesbian are the only two people left. They assume that if they destroy the box they can destroy the demons that came out of it. It works and the aunts return to normal (borrrrrrring!). 

      The next morning police arrive and start collecting the bodies. One of the two kids (the other one got torn apart by one of the demon-possessed aunts) wants to go live with the lesbian because even though his mother survived, she's now a basket case in a straight jacket. In the last scene, Bertha the frigid cousin starts puking up green slime on the cab ride home then gets all possessed looking and tears off the cab driver's arm... the end. 

      I have to say that the first half of this movie is slower than dial-up internet, almost enough to give up on it before the fun even begins. The second half of the movie picks up with some gruesome special effects and some pretty bloody murders. Well worth the wait...I guess. Don't try and make too much sense out of the story, because it's completely insignificant. The only fun in this film is watching two demons run around in flowery dresses killing people in comically terrifying ways that are very reminiscent of "Evil Dead". Ironically, despite the title, the grannies in this film are the victims of demon possession and rabies is never even mentioned at all. I guess they just needed a punchier title. An enjoyable flick... if you really have absolutely nothing else to do.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Snuff

     Snuff is actually a very disappointing movie. Because of its appearance and marketing, it gives you the impression that it may actually be a snuff film (for those of you who do not know what a snuff film is, it's a film that depicts what appears to be an actual murder caught on film just for the fun of having it, usually occurring after a sex act). But alas, instead we are left with a movie that is slow, stupid, obviously fake, and has few surprises. The bulk of the movie is a very jumbled plot that after watching this movie three times, I still cannot figure out what it was really about. Upon seeing the ending though, I realize that this may have been done on purpose. 

      Anyway, the story is basically about a gang of hippie biker chicks that are also apparently followers of some dork calling himself Satan, cleverly pronounce as "Suh-ton". He controls these brainless broads with boobs in a Manson-like type of way. Anyway, a porn actress and her manager/director arrive in Chile (?) to make another movie. While there, she hooks up with an old boyfriend. The old boyfriend's current girlfriend (or possibly sister, it's never really specified) is part of this hippie biker chick gang. A plot is set in motion to slaughter them all which does eventually happen. After the last person is finished off, we see cameras and sound people and a director yelling "Cut!". Apparently, it was all just a stupid movie being filmed (that's why I say that the story really doesn't have to make sense because it wasn't really happening and could have been hypothetically shot only in part or out of sequence). 

      After the bulk of the people leave the set, a cameraman seduces the actress that is still laying on the bed on the set. The camera and sound crew draw nearer. The cameraman attacks the actress, stabs her, cuts off her fingers and hands, and eventually rips her guts out. He holds them up and gives a tribal scream. The screen then goes blank as if the camera has run out of film, but you can still hear the sound crew saying "Did we get it?" and "I think so." 

      This movie somehow got a rumor started about it, that it actually was a real snuff film, but after seeing the "snuff" scene, it's painfully obvious that it's totally fake. Also, this movie has tribal drums as a constant soundtrack. No music, no beat... just really loud obnoxious drumming. During the sex scenes, the drums will convince anyone listening that you are watching a terribly cheap porno. And if no one's around, then there's only you to be driven crazy by having to listen to them non-stop for an hour and 20 minutes. Personally, I found this movie to be very boring and I don't recommend it at all, but it does have a huge cult following, mostly due to the "is it real or not" factor. Well, for anyone who has even the slightest doubt whether it's real... It's not!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Burnt Offerings

     Even though this movie contains a few mainstream actors, such as Karen Black and Oliver Reed, even includes the legendary Ms. Bette Davis in one of her later roles that actually had some genuinely wonderful acting on her part and not just some lame half-ass performance done just for the paycheck, for which she was so famous for doing in her later years. Burnt Offerings is one of those movies that you absolutely must watch at least twice to fully grasp what's happening. This alone gives it the cult following that grants it permission among my inventory.           

     Anyway, the movie starts out with a married couple with a young son that is looking for a house to rent, they happen upon a mansion that is being rented out for the Summer at a suspiciously low price. The elderly and eccentric brother and sister that own the house have bestowed upon the couple one inconvenience that come along with the rental of the house... Their elderly mother lives in the attic bedroom and doesn't ever leave. This woman is to be left 3 trays of food every day and that's all.  

     Despite this incredibly odd situation, they rent the house anyway because the wife just won't shut up about how gorgeous it is and how much she instantly loves it. After a while, it seems almost to possess her every thought. She becomes more and more interested in the old lady's hobby of collecting photographs and even though the wife often tries to converse with the old lady, no response is ever heard. One odd aspect of the photos displayed is that not one of the people in the photos is smiling, in fact, they all look pretty miserable. 

      Their young son is seen accidentally falling and hurting his knee, moments later a seemingly dead plant has some new live growth on it. We begin to realize that pain seems to heal the old and somewhat decrepit mansion in some way. When the father cuts his finger on a champagne wire, a light bulb that previously had burned out, now works fine. The Mrs. embarks on a cleaning frenzy that Joan Crawford would have been proud of but is also growing increasingly worried about the old lady upstairs because she's not eating the food that is being left for her. 

      One day while cleaning the old pool out back, the father is overcome with the desire to drown his son and nearly succeeds. The son manages to get away and the next day, the shabby old pool has now become a sparkling oasis with fountains and statues. Again, the more pain that is experienced, the more the house seems to drastically improve and become less and less decrepit in its appearance. 

     As the mother grows more and more obsessed with the old lady upstairs, the meals have mysteriously resumed consumption. The mother also starts to lie about the old woman and the house in general in order to keep anyone from being suspicious. She notices the change in the pool and takes credit for cleaning it herself. She also becomes less and less receptive to her husband's sexual advances and ultimately finds him repulsive. To console herself, she constantly returns to the old lady's sitting room. Soon she starts dressing in the old fashioned clothing style worn by the women displayed in the old lady's photo collection, even to the point of getting gray hair. 

      Meanwhile, the aunt (Davis) who is usually so vibrant and witty has become a completely tired and worn-out woman. She seems drained of all her energy, sleeps all day, and her hair turns almost completely white and has also acquired enough luggage under her eyes to go to Europe. Soon after that, she becomes deathly ill. The father seems to be slowly losing his grasp on reality as well and keeps seeing a creepy smiling hearse driver, a memory from his mothers funeral that scared him as a child. 

     The boy is almost killed by a mysterious gas leak in his bedroom, with all the windows and doors mysteriously locked from the inside.  Barely saved in time by his parents, they soon blame the aunt for this event and and they begin to fight constantly causing tension and turmoil to grow amongst the family. As mom fakes calling the doctor when the aunt becomes very ill and looks like she is gonna die any minute, then immediately withdraws into the old lady's room and starts eating the dinner that she's brought for her, letting us know that even though it appears that the old lady is eating, that it's actually the wife who's been consuming her dinners. 

       In a very simple but effective and frightening scene, a doctor is finally called to help the terribly ill aunt, but the smiley hearse driver shows up instead of the doctor, he slowly walks in and shoves a casket at the aunt, causing her to have a heart attack and die and the next scene is of the family returning from her funeral. We also start noticing even more changes to the house. The greenhouse that was originally full of dead plants is now full of beautiful plants with tons of blooming flowers. The house itself seems to be draining and almost consuming people and renewing itself with their death, pain, and sorrow. After the aunt's death, the mom doesn't even go to the funeral because she has to keep the old lady company. In fact, the mother now has fully gray hair, her wardrobe and hairstyles are strictly 19th century and she has become extremely overprotective of the old lady that apparently only she ever sees. When the dad actually sees the house changing, such as the roof shingles and floorboards, all falling off and being replaced with new ones from underneath, he decides the time has come to leave. Too bad the trees have decided otherwise. They block the road and attempt to drag the father off into the woods. The mother comes to the rescue and brings them back to the house. 

      Sometime later, the kid is swimming, and the pool itself attempts to drown him. This is apparently strong enough evidence that convinces even the mother that it's time to vacate. As they're leaving, she proclaims that she can't leave without telling her favorite old lady that she's going. In a creepy conclusion, the dad gets tired of waiting for her, so he goes back into the house after her. He enters the old lady's room looking for his wife, and sees the old lady sitting by the window.  He attempts to communicate with her, asking where his wife has gone.  She refuses to answer so he swings her around to face him. When she turns around, it's his wife with a very angry and possessed-looking face, dressed as the old lady. Soon we see Dad plummeting to his death from the attic window. He lands on the car containing his son, and the kid freaks out and runs. He is then crushed under the rubble of a falling chimney that is in the midst of "repairing itself". In the next scene, we see the house, completely restored to its prime-time glory and looking newly rebuilt, no longer the decrepit old mansion that it was when the family first arrived. 

      Upon their return, we also hear the oddball brother and sister bragging about how beautiful it is and how happy they are that their mother has been restored to them. The camera pans through the old lady's photos and there are some new additions..., the father, the son, and the aunt. OK, so what the hell does it all mean? I assume that the house is being rented out to unsuspecting families who then become the spiritual batteries that recharge the old mansion like sacrifices, hence the title "Burnt Offerings". But what's the story with Mom and the old lady though? I assume that there never was an old lady. I think it was just a ploy to get the mom interested in and ultimately possessed by the spirit of the old lady who was never really an actual person but the spirit of the house itself. That's why the food was not at first being eaten, but resumes when the mom becomes obsessed with the old lady and is subsequently possessed by her spirit, the house. Since the mother is not among the photo collection at the end, it's my assumption that she was always destined to become part of the house.

      Well made mystery flick that requires some thought to figure out. Great mysteries are like puzzles without a box top to follow, only through a slow piecing together can we see the full picture.  Being a fan of the 60s TV show Dark Shadows, I began to notice some similarities which were confirmed when I found out that this movie was written and directed by Dark Shadows producer Dan Curtis.  All the elements were there, creepy old house, dark symbolism, haunting music, and a mystery that requires a little extra thought to understand.