Monday, March 9, 2009

Faces of Death

     Released in 1979, "Faces of Death" was banned in over 46 countries until a video boxset containing all six volumes was released on VHS. Only parts 1 and 2 (and a "greatest moments" version containing clips from parts 1 and 2) have been released on DVD.

      Dr. Frances B. Gross (great name huh) takes us on a journey through the different arenas of death in all its blood and gore. From suicides to gruesome accidents, and from eating live monkey brains to orgies and cults that dine on dead human flesh. Part one is by far the best. Although, some of the footage has since been revealed as having been faked. Mostly blended together with real footage for appearance's sake. 

      Part one probably has the highest volume of real footage out of all six volumes. Part two is a slightly cheaper version of part one. Part three is pushing the boundaries of being all fake. Part three also has a new host who loves to give the camera big-eyed close-ups that are far more frightening than any of the fake footage piled together. Part five is a hodgepodge of clips from parts 1 and 2. Part six has absolutely no extra footage. The first 30 minutes are from part 2, and the rest are clips from parts 1 and 3, which is pretty damn lazy, and is absolutely no reason to release a boxset.  Therefore, stick to volumes 1 and 2, for some real footage, and part 3 only for the absurd dramatics of the new host. The rest is a waste of time.  The actual real footage contained in it is well worth seeking out though, especially for those cult fans who thought they had seen it all. 

      There's a ripoff series called "Traces of Death" which steals all the "supposedly real" scenes from Faces of Death and has added some new scenes of their own, some real and some obviously not, but it's set to an instant headache-inducing death metal music soundtrack that makes watching it rather difficult.

Toxic Zombies

     Pothead Zombies ain't that a kick in the rubber parts? A truly unique combination, don't you think? 

      It starts off with a ripoff reproduction of the beginning of the classic "Night of the Living Dead". A long winding road with an approaching car, a creepy soundtrack building in the background. Quick cut to some Feds watching a naked woman take a bath in a creek. They chase her and shoot her. Turns out she was part of a group of potheads (hardly a reason to kill someone) growing a field of dope out in some campgrounds, somewhere. Looks like backwoods Mississippi, I dunno. 

      Anyway, The Feds decide to dump a load of some experimental chemical herbicide that hasn't been approved by anyone, onto their crop. The potheads and the idiot pilot that was conned into crop dusting with this unknown chemical weapon, all the dopers start to get sick, puke blood, and for some reason begin to crave human flesh. Y'know, the typical symptoms of "zombieism". 

     A few unexposed potheads, a ranger and his wife, and a family camping in the woods (complete with a mentally challenged son), all get caught up in the drama. We lose a character here, a zombie there until the Feds finally figure out that they have really screwed things up and go out to assess the damage, eventually getting killed in the process by the few remaining zombies that are left. 

      That's about it really, the rest is all women screaming at the top of their lungs and moaning zombies. There's a lot of rather convincing gore, but other than that it was kinda boring. It ends with the ranger leaving office, mourning the death of his wife, who by the way was one of the worst actresses of all time, and that says a lot coming from someone like me who loves watching shitty movies on purpose. It was about potheads and zombies, two things that I really thought would make for a great flick, so I thought it would be cool. And as far as cult films go, it's pretty good (meaning it basically still sucked). It's very Troma, although I can't say for sure whether it was actually made by them or not.  This is just another example of a movie that had a really great premise but missed its mark, mostly because it had no budget, terrible actors, and zero promotion.  


Robot Monster

     Wow, what a piece of doggy doo. This movie is a great example of a movie that is "so bad, it's still NOT good". So bad in fact, that it makes the worst of Ed Wood's films look positively top-drawer.  

     Released in 1953, this movie has all the hallmarks of a 50's sci-fi drama. It's filled with Christian overtones and riddled with scenes that are so blatantly sexist, that you can't help but laugh to yourself, and at the same time feel truly sorry for the unfortunate women who had to deal with this astonishingly huge amount of sexism during these challenging times in American cinema. 

      Anyway, little Johnny Pipsqueak gets zapped by a falling star while picnicking with his family in what looks like a barren desert wasteland (probably some small corner of California). Soon, there is a guy in a cheap gorilla costume, complete with a zipper running up the back, and wearing a diving helmet with TV antennae on it, named Ro-Man. Often, just pronounced like "Roman". Can you feel the preaching yet? Ro-Man has conquered all mankind. All of course, except this desert-dwelling Brady Bunch knockoff who is hiding out in some adobe shanty just outside Ro-man's cave headquarters. 

      Ro-Man often reports to a TV screen boss who constantly bitches at him for not doing his job in completely wiping out the human race. NASA, FBI, CIA, KGB, and all the rest of the world were apparently conquered with ease, but the "Preachy Partridge Family" somehow stops him dead in his tracks, mostly because they're a loving family unit, which gets Ro-Man all soft-hearted. Which makes you wonder what happened to the rest of the world? Was Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, and Marilyn Monroe not enough to soften him up a little? (They were all alive when this movie came out) 

     Amidst Ro-Mans destruction, a couple gets married, walks off into the desert on their honeymoon, and makes out in a ditch. Ro-Man kills the husband and kidnaps the wife. Ro-Man even starts putting the moves on her himself (really?) Truly, if I listed all the totally sexist remarks in this movie, I'd be at this damn keyboard for days. The goofs in this movie are the only things rivaling the blatant sexism. There's even a scene where Ro-Man goes to tie the girl up, can't do it, gives up, and the "actor" throws the rope down in frustration. Literally, two frames later, she's all trussed up with a perfect rope job, complete with a square knot. Then we see a rocket that already looks like a cheap plastic toy with a sparkler shoved up its tailpipe, with its "special effects" secret being revealed when a flash goes off and you can actually see a guy dressed in all-black holding the rocket and moving it around a bit to make it look like it's flying. And for some reason, we sometimes see dinosaurs attacking each other, which literally makes no sense since this is supposed to be the future. Some are claymation stock footage, and others are just alligators or armadillos with dinosaur-looking fins and attachments glued onto them. What this has to do with the story, is anyone's guess. 

      Another funny tidbit about this film is that it actually has an intermission... on a movie that's literally only an hour long! I'm assuming that it's there merely to give someone the chance to leave and spare themselves from wasting another minute of their lives on this piece of shit, or to spend a whole five minutes making out at the drive-in. Although after watching a movie this steeped in Christian overtones, making out with a date would almost seem downright blasphemous. If you really want to laugh at a cheaper-than-cheap 50's sci-fi period piece, this film's for you. It's not even a B-movie, it's at least a C or D, all the way.  It claims to have been released in 3-D, but I've yet to find a copy in color, so I'm not sure how that would work.